Portal de Periódicos da CAPES

Paradigm lost: Reflections on grandparents

2015; Wiley; Volume: 51; Issue: 10 Linguagem: Inglês

10.1111/jpc.13000

1440-1754

David Isaacs,

Migration, Aging, and Tourism Studies

Your children were a vexation to your youth, but mine shall be a comfort to your age. William Shakespeare (1564–1616), Richard III One day, the previous Editor-in-Chief of the Journal of Paediatrics and Child Health told me that, for the first time in years, he was in love. My indignant surprise was instantly mollified by the revelation that he was in love with his first grandchild. In attempting to write about the joy of becoming a new grandparent myself, I found I descended rapidly into trite sentimentality, and resolved to delve deeper into the grandparental role. Middle-Eastern parents told me that when their son was born, they sent him to live with his grandparents. For the first three years of his life, he called his grandparents Mummy and Daddy, and he called his natural parents by their given names. Then his parents had to flee their country precipitately in fear of their lives and took their 3-year-old son with them. I met them two years after he arrived in Australia. I asked if they used social media to communicate with his grandparents. The parents said that the boy saw his grandparents' image on an electronic tablet only once and said, ‘I don't want to talk to them unless they are sitting beside me. And when they are sitting beside me, I'll never let them go again’. Although this separation was forced by circumstances, it illustrates also how some families behave as if they do not need to consider the feelings of children and grandparents. Most of us who have children can expect to become grandparents, but analysis of fossil teeth indicates that grandparents were rare in the australopithecine and Neanderthal eras. Remains of early modern Europeans suggest grandparents did not become common until 30 000 years ago, and the increased number of grandparents may have been an important determinant of the new tool types and art forms that proliferated in Europe in that era. It may explain also how modern humans out-competed older groups such as the Neanderthals.1 What do grandparents mean to paediatricians? A young mother needs her own mother when she has just given birth, for support or even to get cross with. Paediatricians looking after children with complex chronic illnesses and junior doctors taking long case histories for the clinical examination know to ask about the proximity and supportiveness of grandparents. Grandparental support for stressed parents is extremely important in preventing child abuse and also for helping parents who have abused their children.2 This was recognised in the 1960s by Kempe working in Colorado and by child psychiatrists at Paddington Green in London, who provided different forms of what they called ‘substitute grandparental care’ for parents who physically abused their children.2 When a child's parents are dysfunctional, because of mental health problems, abuse of alcohol or recreational drugs, the grandparents may raise the grandchildren, either voluntarily or reluctantly because there is no alternative. The literature on grandparents raising grandchildren stresses the variety and heterogeneity of grandparents, hardly surprising as, in my career, I have encountered a 32-year-old grandmother as well as octogenarian grandparents. Grandparental depression exacerbated by having to care for grandchildren is a major issue emphasised in many papers. The sparse literature comes mainly from North America, with an emphasis on African-American families, and there is a striking paucity of data on effective interventions to support grandparents.3 There are no papers on Australian Aboriginal or Maori-Polynesian grandparents, a gap which needs filling. Grandparents are generally portrayed favourably in current children's literature. An analysis of 64 children's books published since 1985 showed grandparents were almost always depicted as independent and happy; their wisdom and understanding also featured strongly.4 In the children's classic, Heidi, by Johanna Spyri, Heidi transforms her grumpy grandpa into a loving one. Charlie's four grandparents languish in the same bed in Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, until Charlie wins the Golden Ticket and takes his grandfather on a life-time adventure. Grandparents are depicted positively as important characters in many Shakespearean plays. The psychiatric literature emphasises that grandparents have their own inner world and may feel they need to make amends to their own children. As one child said, ‘Grandparents have another chance’.2 Grandparents trying to take that chance may struggle with competitiveness. They may compete with the child's parents, with each other and with the other set of grandparents. An American bumper sticker said, ‘If your parents say No, ask your grandparents’.2 The term ‘to spoil a child’ was not coined loosely. If children are given everything they demand and parents (or grandparents) are over-permissive and unable to set limits, this does a huge disservice to the child. Such children grow up with an unrealistic sense of entitlement without effort. Grandparents should aspire to be loved for their presence, not their presents. Having emphasised possible problems, I will return to the joys of being a grandparent. The poignancy of becoming a grandparent is perhaps explained by the close bond between the vulnerability of the newborn grandchild and the vulnerability of the ageing process the grandparent faces.2 The Welsh have a sentimental expression, ‘Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild’. Grandparents may feel less personally confused with their grandchild than they did with their own children.2 They have more time to enjoy the grandchild's inventive use of language. A woman said her grandson loved to dance. When she asked if she could dance with him, he said, ‘Oh no, grandma. You're too rusty.’ A journalist wrote of her 5-year-old grandson who told her he liked to store his memories on his ‘heart drive’. Grandparents can help young children discover that time away from home can be safe, interesting and enjoyable.2 The long-standing annual Australian Archibald Prize is awarded for a portrait of a famous person. It has been augmented by a competition called The Young Archies, in which children aged 5–18 years submit a portrait of someone important to them and say why (Figs 1, 2).5 While there is likely to be selection bias, in that children are unlikely to be rude about a person important in their life, grandparents feature strongly and some children are touchingly frank about their grandparent's tetchiness (Fig. 2). Dear Yiyia by Angelica Pettaras (15), Young Archie competition, 2014. Dear Yiayia, I painted this portrait for you so you can remember how grateful I am that I have you in my life. You are an exemplary human being and I love you and admire you so much! Your generosity, honesty and love shines on all those around you and all who know you will say that no matter what age you are – you'll always be young at heart. With infinite love, Angelica. The person who always loves me by Min Jun Jo (11), Young Archie competition, 2014. I chose my grandpa because he is generous, kind and also because he cares about me and my family. His favourite plant is chilli. I get sad because he grows more white hair. However, I still love him from the moon and back, even though he gets angry sometimes. I ♥ u grandpa! Grandparents play an important role in human society. The role of a grandparent is complex and depends on a multitude of factors. Becoming a new grandparent awakens distant memories of self and family. For someone who loves children, the role of grandparent offers the opportunity to be involved in the emergence of a new personality to whom you can be devoted, but without ultimate responsibility. When you are young, getting old is a distant and rather daunting prospect. Becoming a grandparent is extraordinary recompense.