Brandtʼs Rants
2016; Lippincott Williams & Wilkins; Volume: 38; Issue: 3 Linguagem: Inglês
10.1097/01.eem.0000481780.88859.30
ISSN1552-3624
Autores ResumoFigureFigureChildren had to find one of five golden tickets to enter Willy Wonka's magical chocolate factory. Our requirements for entry into the ED are a little less stringent. We may not have an edible candy garden or a boat floating down a chocolate river, but we do have plenty of colorful pills and even a ride (the CT scanner). Not everyone gets to enjoy these attractions, mind you, but certain patients present with a golden chief complaint that entitles them to a bit of medical magic. The list extends much longer than five, and may even be ED-to-ED dependent. Our brains can go into autopilot mode when we see certain chief complaints. A patient with chest pain who is over 50? We immediately order an ECG, chest x-ray, and troponin, sometimes before laying eyes on the patient. I feel your pain. I know the drudgery of similar workups. I have wracked my brain on how to create joy and happiness in the ED while also being cost-effective. You'll be happy to know I have the answer. Chocolate. Tons and tons of chocolate. The next time you feel yourself burning out over the seventh elderly patient with abdominal pain or a belligerent drunk taking a swing at staff, just imagine a chorus of tiny orange men cartwheeling from behind the nearest gurney singing an educational song. We might have to modify the ED so that the tiny orange men have places to hide until the perfect opportunity arises, but it would be worth it when staff and patient satisfaction skyrocket. I could tell you about it, but I'd rather have you sing along. Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do, I've got a perfect puzzle for you, Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee, If you are wise, you'll listen to me. Abdominal pain and she's eighty nine, There's only one ride; time to get in line. The ride goes forward and back real slow, It's called the CT and she just, must, go. Be sure to check her creat first. Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee, What's that? You think it's an STD? Oompa Loompa, doom-pa-dee-dar, Listen to me, and you will go far. Sleeping around with all that you meet Without protection, you're in for a treat. You say you're confused where the dripping came from, It's your ninth time for this; are you just dumb? A shot and pills for both of you! Oompa Loompa, doom-pa-dee- duff, He's had fifteen beers and he's acting tough? Oompa Loompa, doom-pa-dee-daints, Doesn't he know it's time for restraints? Drinking's OK when it's once in a while, It gives you a buzz, and can make a friend smile. But when you get, sloppy, mean, and hit staff, You must be restrained. It's not. A. Laugh. Time for a B52! Time for a B52! Time for a B52! Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee, If ED staff will listen to me, Oompa Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do, You could be happy like ... the ... Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-doos! Share this article on Twitter and Facebook. Access the links in EMN by reading this on our website or in our free iPad app, both available at www.EM-News.com. Comments? Write to us at [email protected].
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