Portal de Periódicos da CAPES

An Interview with the Reaper

2005; Lippincott Williams & Wilkins; Volume: 27; Issue: 7 Linguagem: Inglês

10.1097/00132981-200507000-00025

1552-3624

Edwin Leap,

FigureIn the practice of medicine, we interact with death and dying a lot. The stresses can be enormous. But what about Death itself? What's it like to be Death? Recently, I caught Death lounging around after an unsuccessful resuscitation. I was uncomfortable, but asked him if he would answer a few questions for an article. He said it was a little unorthodox, but he had a lull and could squeeze me into his schedule. So we sat down in the lounge, and he knocked back a diet Coke while we talked. Dr. Leap: Thank you so much for taking time to chat. You know, we seem to have a lot in common. Don't you think? Death: Well, sure. I mean, you guys are the cover for much of my work, especially when you're residents. You sometimes make things considerably easier for me. Dr. Leap: What's it like? You're the guy! The one we all fear! Sometimes I can almost feel you slide into the room when things are going bad. Do you enjoy your work? Death: That's a lot to address. It's what I do. But it isn't all glamour, you know. I have some leeway. I can arrange some of it. The rest is me just showing up and destiny or bad decisions taking their toll. Some stuff I look forward to, you know, spectacular gas grill explosions, dictators lynched by mobs, abusers stabbed by angry wives. That's the stuff you kind of enjoy. But really, most of it is just standing by the recliner, watching some slob change channels until his heart quits. Do you know how bad television is? Reality shows and true confessions and bad sitcom writing. Sometimes I want to smite the entire cast. So I stand there, then sit there. Sometimes I take a little nap. And finally he takes that last swig of beer, that last bite of cheeseburger, and it's ventricular fibrillation. Then he and I can finally leave! That's the hard part of the job. Do I enjoy my work? It's rewarding. I serve a function. Without me, well, you'd all be living in efficiency apartments 25 to a bed eating Soylent Green. Dr. Leap: I guess it's like medicine. Everyone thinks it's exciting, and sometimes it is, but mostly it's a job. Death: That's exactly what I'm saying. I mean, the costume is cool, and I have this enormous presence. Now and then I get to materialize for the living to see. It's like a warning: “Change your ways or suffer the consequences.” That kind of thing, finger pointing out the end of the robe like a scene from Dickens. Dr. Leap: Whoa. Was that message for me? Death: Relax, Scooter. It was that drunk guy in bed 12 who wrecked his car with his family inside. I was actually here for the MI you just passed off to me. But while I was near, I was told to give a “Don't drink and drive” public service message. That was why he screamed. And because I whacked his broken femur to wake him up. Dr. Leap: So you don't just do death. You do messages of doom. You're a busy guy! How do you keep up? Death: I have helpers. Sort of like apprentice Deaths. I mean, tons of mortals help me accomplish death itself on the physical end. But there are other minions out there collecting souls. Some of them slip up, lose their “guest,” and he slips back into the body. They have out-of-body experiences. And then there are forms to fill out, inquiries to answer. It's understandable. There's a lot to learn! But there have to be others in the pipeline. I may want to retire someday! Although I imagine I'll want to keep this up as a hobby. We've considered computerizing with Palm Pilots and little beeps for reminders, connected to GPS systems, etc. But the down time would be a little creepy while we installed it. Imagine a month or two with no one dying! Mafia hits, just saying, “Get it over with,” after three or four bullets. Overdoses taking buckets of Tylenol and gallons of antifreeze, and just having indigestion. So we need a kind of bridge system. Our tech guys are working on it, but with funding and regulations, I can't see it happening this millennium. Dr. Leap: Wow, I had no idea. I thought it was purely a supernatural thing. Death: Well, it's much more natural than supernatural. Even the supernatural is rooted in reality, but it's a kind of reality you guys can't grasp yet. You just aren't ready. You all would freak out, as you say, if you knew the big picture. Dr. Leap: How do you know when it's someone's time? Is it all predestined? Death: Do I look like John Calvin? Let's stay out of theology. Let's just say that everyone has a time, though the time may move forward or backward. Very bad people sometimes get shuffled up a bit. And very bad people often make ridiculous mistakes that bring me sooner. Very good people often seem to go too soon. That's because they're frequently needed elsewhere. It's all rather complicated from your perspective. Dr. Leap: Fascinating. Now, you know, as a doctor, people ask me about the most exciting thing I've ever seen or my most interesting case. Do you have any memories like that? Death: That's tough. I mean, I get everyone, you know? Well, a few guys like Enoch and Elijah gave me the slip, but they earned it. Otherwise, it's one per customer, you know? So, let me think. Some you wouldn't know because they go too far back in time. This guy, Thickuglack, an early Cromagnon. He drags his poor wife out of the hut because the lizard soup had too many leeks in it. What a jerk. Just as he lifts his club to finish her, there was this little meteorite, about a centimeter, right through his temple. Boy, what a surprised look. Meteorites are hard to work with, but I really got that one right. Even in a pre-moral society, he was bad news. She poured the soup on his head, and left him out for the Saber tooths. Oh, yeah, Stalin. I was glad to be there for that one. Even after he died, he kept talking. Threatened to purge me. What a laugh! But you know, there are nice ones, too. Mother Teresa comes to mind. You know what she asked me? “How are you holding up?” I started to cry, and it was quite a scene. So, there's good and bad. Dr. Leap: What's the worst thing about your job? Death: Well, suffering, loss. Death, I mean, the being dead part isn't so bad. Trust me, I can't speak about this much (confidentiality agreements and all), but the other side? Not too shabby! But getting there means leaving behind and being left behind. I don't like that part. I don't want to hurt anyone, and I didn't exactly sign up for this job. But I'm not sure where else my skills set would put me. I think I'd enjoy forensics, but I already know how everybody died! Dr. Leap: Any advice for those of us who work so closely with you? Death: Advice? No, but you doctors are a kind of pain. You force me to work too hard. That lady you saved last week, the one with chronic overdoses. Her family is miserable! She sells everything for drugs. She hasn't worked or cooked a meal in years. But you guys, well, you're on her in a flash, intubated, fluids, pressors, and what happens? She goes from almost flat line to pulling out the tube! You know, she's back home now, and today she sold her wedding rings for more pain pills. So, sometimes I really don't like you. I know, lawsuits, etc. But she was mine, dead to rights, so to speak. I was so mad I threw down my scythe and walked out. Next time, it won't be so easy, trust me. She's on the A list now. See, I don't want to hurt her. But I want to help the people she makes miserable. Like I said, she's moved up in priority. I think I may use rabies. A classic. That reminds me, I need a skunk. Dr. Leap: Do you have a favorite method of, well, death? Death: Wars, frankly, are just too big to manage these days. You're exhausted by the time a battle is over! I'm interested in unique infections, actually. Anthrax, plague, Ebola, those are interesting. Single combat isn't too bad. The occasional knife fight, gun fight. Frequently both parties are less than model citizens, so I feel kind of like a cosmic scavenger. It gets me through the night to think that way, anyhow. Oh, oh, I know one! Suicide bombers who get the bomb wrong and detonate in their garage or something. That's always good. A big dramatic blast, no innocent victims. I like it. Dr. Leap: I see you're looking at your sundial. Do you have an engagement? Death: Actually, yes. Dr. Leap: Thanks so much for your time. This has been fascinating! Death: You're welcome. See you soon! Dr. Leap: What do you mean by that? Death: Lighten up! Oh, and bring a stretcher to the ambulance bay. It's going to get busy soon.