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Doing Away with “Shoulds” and Asking Curious Questions

2023; Mary Ann Liebert, Inc.; Volume: 18; Issue: 7 Linguagem: Inglês

10.1089/bfm.2023.29247.alk

1556-8342

Ann Kellams,

Breastfeeding Practices and Influences

Breastfeeding MedicineVol. 18, No. 7 President's CornerFree AccessDoing Away with “Shoulds” and Asking Curious QuestionsAnn KellamsAnn Kellams—Ann Kellams, MD, IBCLC, FAAP, FABM, President, Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine Search for more papers by this authorPublished Online:17 Jul 2023https://doi.org/10.1089/bfm.2023.29247.alkAboutSectionsPDF/EPUB Permissions & CitationsPermissionsDownload CitationsTrack CitationsAdd to favorites Back To Publication ShareShare onFacebookTwitterLinked InRedditEmail Increasingly, external pressures push us all to “do more,” “be safer,” “eat healthier,” “work harder,” “save more,” “conserve energy,” “explore more,” “listen well,” “speak louder,” “look better,” “exercise more,” and the list goes on. For new families, add to that list directives to “cherish every moment,” “don't sweat the small stuff,” “hold baby more,” “hold baby less,” “feed baby more,” “feed baby less,” “feed baby this way,” “feed baby that way,” “make sure you do this for safety,” “make sure you don't do that,” “don't focus on the rest of your life right now,” “keep focusing on the rest of your life,” “ride the wave,” “don't worry about your body right now,” “reclaim your body,” “don't be so anxious,” etc.Instead of surrounding the new family with unconditional love and support and resources, we are placing even more than normal, in fact, quite unrealistic expectations on them at a time when their entire world has been transformed. They are, in turn, placing pressure on themselves to do everything “right.”Efforts to be “perfect” in every way come with the enormous price of neglecting our true selves, our own individual needs. We have moved away from listening to our own minds and bodies and doing what feels right, instead opting for doing what we perceive to be expected. I recently saw a family in our breastfeeding medicine clinic that like many before and many to come were feeling quite overwhelmed with caring for their 6-day-old baby. One of the things we talked about was the fact that in some societies, the new mother will “lie-in” for 40 days focusing on nothing other than hers and her baby's well-being, rest, and recovery.They were completely floored by this concept. The mother said, “See, this is why I was saying yesterday that maybe this was not a good time for visitors,” and her husband, with surprise and new-found enlightenment said “I hadn't thought about it like that. It makes so much sense.” They were caught in the swirl of living up to everyone's and their own expectations and forgetting about how important it is to pause, reflect, rest, and recover during this very important time.What would new parenting and the breastfeeding journey be like if instead all the edicts and “shoulds” became curious questions about where the person is at in that moment and what feels right? What if family members, health care workers, and community members were partners, and the birthing parents and families were asking each individual family what they need right now? How is your body feeling? What would make you more comfortable? What would help you get rest? What would make you feel more settled in your environment? What is your gut saying? What is your instinct telling you? How can I help you reach your goals?I wonder if instead of being directive and authoritative, if this other approach would perhaps feel more empowering to families and help them learn the adaptive skills necessary to navigate new parenthood successfully. It would perhaps help them learn early on to listen to their bodies and trust themselves. It would shift some of this biological nurturing and feeding processes back to the right brain instead of the intellectual left brain.Something has got to give, as the rates of postbirth trauma, perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, and stress for new families are only increasing. The Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine is committed to disseminating the most up-do-date information and crafting clinical protocols in a way that is inclusive and globally accessible and relevant. We should all be asking ourselves and those we serve, “how are we doing” and “what would help the most right now?” We need to be careful to not be a part of the problem, and to play the role of helping parents of infants navigate all of the recommendations in a way that is best for their family and their situation such that we can reach the collective goal of breastfeeding for healthier lives worldwide.FiguresReferencesRelatedDetails Volume 18Issue 7Jul 2023 InformationCopyright 2023, Mary Ann Liebert, Inc., publishersTo cite this article:Ann Kellams.Doing Away with “Shoulds” and Asking Curious Questions.Breastfeeding Medicine.Jul 2023.557-557.http://doi.org/10.1089/bfm.2023.29247.alkPublished in Volume: 18 Issue 7: July 17, 2023PDF download