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How It Was: Monologue

2023; The MIT Press; Volume: 45; Issue: 3 Linguagem: Inglês

10.1162/pajj_a_00686

1537-9477

Jon Fosse,

translated from the Norwegian by Damion Searls A bed. Leaning against the bed is a walking stick. There is a walker by the foot of the bed, a wheelchair by the head. An elderly man is lying in bed on his back, staring straight ahead. He saysYesvery short pauseyes wellyeswellyes well that was another dayShort pauseAnother dayvery short pauseanother dayanother dayvery short pauseyes another dayPause. He turns onto his side, staring straight ahead. He shuts his eyes, he almost mumblesAnother dayPauseQuestioningA day for whatAnd why do I wake upso earlyAfter all it’s so nice to sleepSleep is the best thing I can think ofAnd thenbreaks off. Short pause. He opens his eyesSleepjust sleepsleep sleep sleepPauseBut there was a timeyes that I hoped for somethingvery short pauseyesyes I didyes hopedvery short pausequestioningbut nowyes now Istill hope for somethingShort pauseAt least I tryto hopevery short pauseyes I’ll hopeI haven’t given updefinitely notQuestioningBut any hopeVery short pauseDo I have any hopeVery short pauseNono maybe notor maybevery short pauseif Iyes do have some hopeyes then it won’t behope for myselfThat’s for sureBut what does that meanvery short pausehaving hope for yourselfQuestioningBecause what can I actually doShort pauseNothingNot one thingVery short pauseOr almost nothingvery short pauseand what is life reallyyesvery short pauseyes lifeshort pauseyes well it’s justvery short pausethat I’m living itvery short pauseand then well it’syes well the opposite of deathvery short pausewhatever that meansyes being deadvery short pausebut it’s probablyvery short pausebeing gone foreverfor ever and ever or maybe it’s just being gone for a whilevery short pauseand then coming backvery short pauseyes back to lifeshort pausethe resurrection of the fleshyousort ofAlmost angryHahe tries to sit up in bedbecause thenin the resurrectionthis fleshthis frail bodyis supposed to somehowrise up from the deadHaha havery short pauseha I saydo you hear mecan anybody hear mecan anybody hear me say haShort pauseNo no oneof course not no onebecause who could hear meAfter all I’m aloneAlways alonevery short pauseyes except when shebreaks off. PauseI am aloneI lie here aloneNo one else is hereno one can hear mevery short pauseor maybe it’s the Iwhen I was youngwho’s supposed to rise upyes rise up from the deadhaha hayes as if thatwould be so much bettersomehownoShort pauseLouderNoVery short pauseNo no noPauseIbreaks off. PauseBut that can’t really bewhat people mean by resurrection of the fleshvery short pausethat the body yesthat’s been rotting away yesor was burnedin that crematoriumvery short pauseyes now what was it calledI don’t remembervery short pauseI can’t even remember thatI can’t even remember wheremy body’s going to beburned upVery short pauseNo it can’t be meant that wayVery short pauseQuestioningBe meantNow what do I mean by thatAlmost loudAs if there’s meaningThe first thing a person needs to understandis that meaning only existsin connection with this or thatand that no larger meaningno large meaningexistsBut if meaning as such existsvery short pauseyes if a person can understand so muchso unbelievably muchvery short pauseyes whatyes now what does that meanvery short pauseyes if a paintingcan mean so muchso incredibly muchvery short pausealmost enthusiasticand musicyes BachThe Goldberg VariationsThe St. Matthew PassionVery short pauseYes wellthings like thatexist toovery short pauseand thenyes thena person might thinkyesyes think that he’s part ofyes a largervery short pauseyes meaningvery short pausethat maybe there’syes in a wayvery short pausea meaning I toopoor devilam a part ofvery short pauseyes simply becauseI can experiencecan manage to take things inor however you want to put ityes can manage to beyes in this meaningyes thatbreaks offquestioningto be in a meaningshort pausebut even when you don’t seeand don’t hearthere’s stillyes musicyes Bachyes does Bach still existvery short pauseyes of course he doesHow should I put itShort pauseYes even if no one plays Bach’s musicit still existsShort pauseNo it doesn’t work to think like thisbut thoughtno you probably couldn’t call itthought exactlythinking exactlyshort pauseno of course notShort pauseI’ve never been able to thinkPause. He closes his eyes, tries to sit up in bed, succeeds, puts his feet on the floor, then sits there staring straight ahead. PauseWell I guess I’llsame as always yessay my Our FatherVery short pauseBut whyyes whyvery short pausewhy should I say the Our Fatherrattle off those words yet againWhy do I sit hereevery single morningand recite the Our FatherPauseMaybe becauseyes becauseyes because it doesn’tbreaks offdoesn’t existvery short pausedoesn’t exist now whatwhat kind of meaningless talk is thatbreaks offdoesn’t existdoesn’t exist whatPausePater nosterPauseOur FatherPauseMaybe because itbreaks offbecause itpausequestioningbecauseFirmlyYes becauseVery short pauseBecauseBecauseyes becausePauseDust you areand to dust you shall returnPauseQuestioningDust to dustAshes to ashesvery short pauseyes to ashesvery short pausebutvery short pausewhat butvery short pausebut now I’myes so much morethan dustchuckles a littleyes despite everythingAnd thatvery short pauseyes what I am nowyes that can’t justtotally go awaydisappearyes turn to ashesShort pauseThen again that’s exactlywhat’ll happenShort pauseTurn to ashesShort pauseBecome lightPauseBecome windBecome spiritBecome breathLong pauseAnd now it’s time for his breathto try to help himget to his feetHe chuckles a littleYes maybe thatHe takes the walking stick, puts it between his legs, rests his chin on his hands holding the stick, looks straight aheadYes wellPauseI’ll die soonPauseFrom nothing and to nothingPauseIf only I could die soonHe suddenly raises his head, looks straight aheadBut I don’t want to dieBecause I don’t know what it means to dieand that’s why I don’t want to do itshort pausemaybe that’s how it isvery short pauseor elsevery short pauseyes maybebut novery short pauseI’m aliveand I want to livevery short pauseprobablyyes despite everythingvery short pauseprobablyShort pauseYes wellvery short pauseyes well yes well yes wellPause. Pushing off with the stick he gets to his feet and stands leaning on the stickYes wellYes so there you have itVery short pauseAnd now here we aretoday toohere we areHe walks forward a little stifflyAnd a person does need to move around a littlevery short pausewalk back and forth a littlehowever they can manageto walkback and forth a littleshort pausenow this is moving along nicelyisn’t itso now I can answer yeswhen she asks if I’ve walked todayYesI can sayMimicsHave you taken a few steps todayshe’ll askOh yesI’ll answerDefinitelyI’ll answerMimicsThat’s goodshe’ll sayVery short pauseBecause I always do thatyes I say that I’ve walked a few stepsvery short pausebut it’s not always truevery short pauseI do lie a little sometimesVery short pauseYes I have to admit itvery short pausebut today I can say ityes say I’ve walkedI can say it in good conscienceAnd that’s niceSo yesthis is how a person walksshort pauselike this yesshort pausethis is how it should beshort pausethis is how it’s doneshort pauselike this yesHe stops. Short pauseAnd it always helpsto move around a littleIt’s like my mind lightens up a littlewhenyes I just take a couple stepsShort pauseBut there’s no getting around itI am very stiff and soreyes an old manvery short pausea real old-timerHe stares straight ahead. Short pauseThat’s how it isBut the Our FatherYes I usually always say the Our Fatheryes before I get to my feetvery short pausebut today thoughbreaks off, points at the edge of the bed with his stickyes well that didn’t happenI usually always say the Our Fatherwhile I’m sitting on the edge of the bed therebut today I didn’tAnd why didn’t I do ittodayvery short pauseit was probably becauseyes because I started thinking about thisvery short pausethis resurrection of the fleshVery short pauseBut who was it who actually saidthat it’d happen like thatyes that the flesh would be resurrectedOur Lord Jesus Christ didn’t say itdefinitely notvery short pauseyes you can put it like thatOur Lord Jesus ChristVery short pauseBut then who did say itWho came up with thatNo who knowsHevery short pauseheOur Lord Jesus Christsaidvery short pauseyes he saidmy kingdom is not of this worldvery short pauseyes so it’s not of thisyesworld of fleshvery short pauseand he saidyes that the kingdom of God is within youvery short pause, he raises his stick into the airand so there is something inside methat’s not of this worldand that therefore doesn’t turn to ashesvery short pauseno to dustvery short pauseno it doesn’t turn to ashesshort pausedust you areand to dust you shall returnvery short pauseyes very trueyes to ashes you shall returnvery short pauseyes to ashes to earthvery short pausebut no matter how true it isit’s at the same time not truevery short pauseyes maybe anywayshort pausebecause inside medeep inside methere’s something that’s notof this worldand that therefore doesn’tdisappear in this world eithervery short pauseyes that’s how it isthere you have itvery short pauseand BachThe Goldberg VariationsThe St Matthew Passionyes that’svery short pauseyes maybe that’ssomething like the samethingvery short pauseBecause musicyes both is of this worldand isn’tvery short pausemaybepause, he lowers the stick, he leans on it againand as long as whenshe comes she doesn’task me about my childrenvery short pauseand of course she willshe always doesvery short pausebut theymy childrenI never hear from themand so I don’t knowvery short pauseyes of coursevery short pauseyes how they areshort pausebecause that’s how it isvery short pauseI have several childrenand I never hearfrom themShort pauseAnd it is a bit strange reallyyes that they neverbreaks off. Short pauseI must have been a bad fatherVery short pauseYes that’s probably how it isvery short pauseand an even worse husbandsomeone impossibleto live withthree times I was marriedand three times I was divorcedvery short pausebecause none of my wivescould bear to stay with mevery short pausethey saidyes they said I was never with themnot reallynot fullyI was off in my own worldvery short pauseI was always busywith the paintingsI was working onvery short pauseI never saw anything but themthe paintingsshort pauseand they were probably rightabout thatvery short pauseyes I suppose they wereShort pauseAnd she always asks about my childrenDoes she do it to torment meBecause she doesn’t want the best for meVery short pauseTo tell the truthshe probably wants the worstVery short pauseQuestioningIs it evilwho’s coming to visit meVery short pauseMaybemaybe notVery short pauseQuestioningWill the woman who comes to see mebe the death of meShort pauseAnd now she’ll be here soonvery short pausebecause she does always comeevery dayshort pauseyes she’s an angelas they put itShort pauseQuestioningAn angelVery short pauseQuestioningA good angelA bad angelChuckles a little. Short pauseShe has big breastsVery short pauseAnd soon she’ll comeshort pauseyes an angel with big breastsvery short pauseand it’s probably a good thingshort pausebut surely she must realize I don’t likebeing asked aboutyes my childrenand yet she just keeps asking about them anywayVery short pauseMimicsHow’s it going with your childrenshe saysAre your children doing wellshe saysvery short pausebut can’t she stop doing thatwhy does she have to talk all the time aboutmy childrenand ask about themThat’sbreaks off. He brandishes the stick, waving it in front of him as if chasing someone or something away, and he wavers unsteadily on his feet, almost fallingBut novery short pauseno it has to stopAnd thenvery short pauseshe asks about my ex-wivesorvery short pauseoh yesyes that tooPauseNo novery short pauseno this has to stopIt’s impossible to live like thisHe walks slowly over to the walker, holds it with one hand, leans the stick back against the bed where it was beforeAlmost mumblingAlways the samevery short pauseyes I’d like toyesyes now let’s seeHe gets himself into position in the walkerLike that yesThat’s betterThat went well didn’t itIt could hardly havegone betterit’sbreaks off, very short pause. He starts slowly walking straight aheadLike that yesThat’s betteryesnow yesthat’s how you do itoh it’s clear sailing nowlike that yesjust walkinglike that yesjust like thatjust walking and not thinkingforward hojust walk and walkHe stops. He gets the walker turned aroundLike that yesThat’s how it’s doneThat went wellHe starts walking back. PauseI threw my life awayon those pictureson those paintingsyes that’s the truthvery short pausethat’s what happenedvery short pauseyear after year I kept at itwith paintingvery short pausewith those paintingsnothing elsejust thatand it’s true enoughI didn’t care as much aboutchildren and womenvery short pausebut that’s terriblevery short pauseyes as if those paintingsbreaks off, very short pauseand that was the reasonbecause I was so busy with my paintingthat they left meat least that’s what they saidvery short pauseone after the othervery short pausebut is it truevery short pausequestioningwas it like thatshort pausebut it doesn’t matterbecause that’s what happenedyes they leftone after the otherShort pauseAnd the childrenvery short pauseno they didn’t see me that muchwhen they were growing uptrue enoughthat’s true yesand it wasit’s truebecause I painted and paintedpainted painting after paintingvery short pauseday after dayweek after weekmonth after monthvery short pauseyear after yearvery short pausebut nowquestioningnowvery short pauseno now I can’t paint anymoreand don’t want to eithervery short pausemy hands are too shakymy eyesight’s too badvery short pauseand my thoughts toofor that mattervery short pauseyes wellyesvery short pauseand the pictures I paintedall the pictures I paintedwhere are they nowvery short pauseyes I can ask all I wantbecause nobody knowsvery short pauseof course nobody knowsI painted picturesand I sold themvery short pausebut I do know where some of the pictures arethey’re in museumsin major museumsvery short pausein collectionsmajor collectionsvery short pausedoesn’t that sound like somethingvery short pauseso bigso majorvery short pausebut what is it really worthvery short pausenothingzero nothing zeroshort pausebut isn’t she coming soonvery short pauseno am I really in such bad shapethat all I can do is wonder when she’ll comehe shakes his head, very short pauseyes shevery short pauseshe whovery short pauseyes the woman who always asks about my childrenVery short pauseAnd it’s just to be meanthat she does itvery short pausebecause why would she care about howmy children are doingObviouslyshe doesn’t really care about thatShort pauseBut a person has tosay something yesvery short pauseand it’s not always easyto come up with something to talk aboutso that must be whyshe alwaysevery time she’s hereevery single timeasks about my childrenMimicsHow are your children doingAre your children doing wellVery short pauseShe keeps asking like thattime after timeday after dayweek after weekmonth after monthvery short pauseyear after yearShort pauseAnd then she asks about my grandchildrenshort pauseand I never answer herI just keep quietquestioningbecause do I have grandchildrenor notvery short pausethere’s no one who’stold me anything about grandchildren anywayand it doesn’t matter to menot a bitI don’t carevery short pauseeither I have grandchildrenor I don’tand it doesn’t matter to mevery short pausenot a bityes not a bit it doesn’t matterHe bends forward a little over the walker, stays standing like that, looks down at the floor in front of him. Pause. He looks upBut she should really havebeen here by nowShort pauseYes at least maybeAnd she’ll come soonVery short pauseIt won’t be longbefore she’s hereVery short pauseBut what am I doingWhy do I talk about her all the timeShe’ll come if she comesAnd she’ll come when she comesVery short pauseI never exactly look forward to her comingvery short pauseand starting in with her nagging and fussingvery short pauseof course it doesn’tmean anythingno of course notnothingabsolutely nothingzeronothingzero nothing zeroPauseAnd then of course she’ll ask meabout my children’s mothers tooA little proudBut I never answer herI just keep quietPauseYes first the firstthen the secondand then the thirdShort pauseBut she doesn’t get a word out of meabout the womenI was married toA little worked upAnd why does she ask me aboutmy children’s mothersAbout my my marriagesAbout those so-called marriagesHow is that any of her businessPauseNo one can stay with meIt’s as simple as thatNo oneVery short pauseAnd so I was aloneSo I ended up aloneVery short pauseAnd aloneyes that’s what I’ve been sinceShort pauseAnd it doesn’t matter to meVery short pauseBut in all those yearsyes after all I did havemy picturesyes my paintingsI was in a relationship after allwith paintsif you can put it like thatvery short pauseme andbreaks off, short pauseyes me andvery short pausesomething or anothervery short pauseand then it came to meyes that I should becomea believing ChristianAnd in a wayin my waymaybe I can saythat that’s what I becamePauseI went to massAnd it did me goodcontemplativeyesyes it didvery short pausebutyesyes then my legs got so badthat it turned into a struggleyesvery short pausebutvery short pausebutyes but whatbut butVery short pauseAnd then just butvery short pausebutbut now she really does needto come soon yesShort pauseBut what is thisI’m thinkingvery short pausejust think a grown man thinking like thisMimics himselfNow she really does need to come soonvery short pauseyes as if I like it the least bitwhen she comesBut I never haveShort pauseBut then whybreaks offbut then why should Ibreaks off, breaks offshould I whatLoudNothingnot one thingzero nothing zeroHe starts walking as fast as he canNothing zero nothingPauseMimicsNo I can’t go on like thisI’ll dieif we don’t get divorcedShort pauseMimicsI want to live aloneShort pauseYou just live in your own worldShort pauseYou just live in your own worldyou just keep working onthose paintings of yoursI can’t take it anymoreVery short pauseAnd your childrenvery short pausedo you even care about your childrenShort pauseYou never go outYou just keep working on those pictures of yourson thoseyes thosepaintings of yoursYou have no self-respectI can’t stand you anymoreIf we don’t get divorcedI’ll get sickI’ll dieHe stops, standing and leaning on the walkerAnd my mothervery short pauseshe never could stand mevery short pauseor maybe when she got oldshe could stand mevery short pausesort ofvery short pauseor maybe it was Iwho couldn’t stand hervery short pauseand so the years went byone after the otherintoningthe years go bythe years they go bythe years go byone after the othervery short pauseand thenyes soon enoughlife is oververy short pauseso that was life thenVery short pauseA heap of broken imagesShort pauseCorpus ChristiPauseNonsenseShort pauseA heap of broken imagesShort pauseCorpus Christivery short pauseyes youIvery short pauseyou can say that againVery short pauseAnd always the same thingPauseMimicsI can’t stay with you anymoreI can’t stand youYou smellI don’t know what I ever saw in youIt makes me sick just to look at youI can’t stand itShort pauseThings like thatThe same thingsagainand againand nowvery short pausemimics himselfand isn’t she coming soonso that was life thenand isn’t she coming soonResignedWhat kind of talk is thisWhat a fool I amand always have beennothing elsejust thatjust a foolFirmlyFuck itPauseMimicsAnd your childrenhow are they doingVery short pauseAnd how are yourgrandchildren doingShort pauseYou never really caredabout mevery short pauseor even about your own childrenyou don’t care about themvery short pauseyes true enoughand so why should theycare about meShort pauseMimicsHow are your children doingshort pausebut she probably doesn’t rememberfrom one time to the nextwhat she asks me aboutwhat she talks aboutvery short pauseand Ibreaks off, straightens updo I ask her anythingno I don’t have any rightto do thatI say nothingto herYesCome inI sayPlease come inI sayThank youI say when she’s about to leaveThanks for coming to see meThank youAnd goodbyeI sayAnd she says goodbyePause. He starts walkingAnd my picturesmy paintingsI sold them for almost nothingbut nowyes now they gofor a lot of moneyvery short pauseand are in the most importantcollectionsvery short pauseand I’m probablyyes well a so-calledmajor artistEmphaticallyHaha haShort pauseBut it’s been a long time now since I couldor wanted topaintand it’s because I can’tpaint anymoreShort pauseMy eyesight’s so badMy hands are so shakyVery short pauseAnd I don’t want to paint badlypaint bad picturesVery short pauseAnd I can only just barelywalkvery short pausemy legsdon’t want to hold me up anymorePause. He is almost draped across the walker. He pushes it over towards the wheelchair, stops next to the wheelchairYes wellThat’s how it isThat’s how it wentPauseIt’svery short pauseas if God has abandoned meno reallyGod hasn’t abandoned meGod has never abandoned meAnd I’ve never abandoned GodShort pauseHow could I say something like thatIt’s just wrong to say something like thatshort pauseand today I forgotto say the Our FatherevenVery short pauseDust you areand to dust you shall returnvery short pauseto ashes to earthVery short pauseThat’s it yesJust like thatvery short pausebut now let’s seevery short pausenow let’s see yesHe tries to move from the walker into the wheelchair, lets himself sort of tumble into the seat. PauseAll right then yesThat went wellyes better than it has in a whileVery short pauseAnd now I’m in better shapeNow I’m doing greatVery short pauseAnd that went well didn’t itVery short pauseOr better than it usually does anywayVery short pauseBut it went the same as alwaysjust barelyvery short pausethat’s how it is nowthere you have itvery short pausebecause after all it didyes same as alwaysalmost go wrongvery short pausebut it went wellvery short pauseand now she’ll be coming soonvery short pauseand why should she come soonis this how it is nowthat I wait for hervery short pauseno reallydefinitely notI’m not waiting for herMimicsYou need to be carefulnot to fallnot to lie on the floor unable to get upVery short pauseYes that’s what she saysagain and againMimicsHow are your legs feelingVery short pauseAnd then she saysMimicsNow you mustn’t falland lie on the floor unable to get upVery short pauseThat’s what she saysevery single time she’s hereshe says thatShort pauseAnd that’s exactly what she wantsvery short pauseyes for me to do thatyes fall and not be able to get upthat’s her greatest wishfor me to be lying therevery short pauseand die thereVery short pauseBut it doesn’t matter anywaywhat she wishes forwhat she wantsand doesn’t wantShort pauseAnd today I forgotto say the Our FatherI usually always do itThe first thing I doafter I’ve managed to sit upon the edge of the bedis say my Our Fathervery short pausebut not todayvery short pausetoday I forgot to saymy Our FatherPause. He starts rolling around a little in the wheelchairBut I can still say my Our Father nowVery short pauseNoThat’d be wrongQuestioningWouldn’t that be wrongAlmost loudYes it’d definitely be wrongVery short pauseAnd whatever belief I may have hadyes it’s gonevery short pausegone awayvery short pauseand so why say the Our Fathershort pauseno who knowsvery short pauseout of habitmaybevery short pauseor probably there’s no reasonvery short pausebut then what is there everany reason forvery short pauseno who knowsshort pauseyou can say that againwho knowshe stops the wheelchair, folds his hands in his lap. Long pauseOur FatherWho art in heavenHallowed be thy nameThy kingdom comeThy will be doneon earthas it is in heavenGive us this dayour daily breadAnd forgive us our trespassesas we forgive those who trespassagainst usAnd lead us not into temptationbut deliver us from evilPauseAmenPause. He opens his hands and starts to roll the chair back and forth as if trying to get away from someone or something, he stopsCorpus ChristiAgain he starts rolling back and forthGive us peaceHe rolls back and forthDona nobis pacemHe rolls back and forthGive us peaceHe rolls back and forth, then over to the bed, he tries to lift himself up from the wheelchair and onto the bed but he sort of slips and ends up sitting on the floor with his back to the bed. Pause. He tries to get up onto the bed but can’t. He stays sitting on the floor leaning back against the bed, his legs splayedGo in peaceHe puts his hands in his lap, over his fly. He looks up, straight ahead, as if into nothingness. He says hesitantlyPater nosterpausequi es in cælishe sighs, shakes his headsanctificetur nomen tuumadveniat regnum tuumthy kingdom comefiat voluntas tuathy will be donesicut in cælo et in terraon earth as it is in heavenPause. QuicklyPanem nostrum coutidianumda nobis hodieet dimitte nobis debita nostrasicut et nos dimittimusdebitoribus nostriset ne nos inducas in tentationemsed libera nos a maloPause. He opens his folded hands, puts the palms of his hands on the floorAdveniat regnum tuumThy kingdom comeHe bows his head and shuts his eyes. Pause. He looks up again, straight ahead. He shuts his eyes again, bows his head, stays sitting like that with head bent and piss flows out of the crotch of his pantsLights down, black